


I've been drifting, sorry

by zeroxxo



Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angry TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Anorexia, Anxiety, Depressed TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Depression, Divorce, Eating Disorders, Hurt TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Insomnia, Internalized Homophobia, Loneliness, Lonely TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Mentioned Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Multi, Protective Wilbur Soot, Self-Harm, Sleepy Bois Inc Angst, TommyInnit is Not Okay (Video Blogging RPF)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 06:06:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29095479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zeroxxo/pseuds/zeroxxo
Summary: Tommy is getting worse again, in every way possible.His facade is slipping and his friends are starting to notice.➳🖂This is a vent fic !If any of the creators express discomfort with this sort of thing I'll delete it no questions asked.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s), Wilbur Soot & Technoblade & TommyInnit & Phil Watson
Comments: 67
Kudos: 430





	1. i'll see you

**Author's Note:**

> The writing in this probably won't be great, I'm just venting through the type of personalities these people portray i guess. 
> 
> TW/ eating disorders, self harm, mentions of past sexual trauma

The blue green glare of the screen reflected in Tommy's eyes as he huffed.

He stretched in his chair, sighing as he looked over to the clock. 5:36 am. Chuckling to himself, he put on his headset. He had school tomorrow. Or no, not tomorrow, in a few hours. There was no point in trying to fall asleep now.

He clicked through different sites and videos, wondering why he was still up even when he felt so tired. He landed back onto Wilburs youtube channel, scrolling through to try and find a video he hadn't yet seen.

_God, Wilbur._

Wilbur was perfect. Wilbur didn't act obnoxious like he did. Wilbur didn't have people calling him annoying and joking about how much they loved streaming without him.

_Maybe they're right. Give it up. Stop pretending that people want to stream with you, let alone be your friend._

He groaned and punched his leg, an old habit he'd developed. He knew what he was telling himself wasnt true, he had millions of subscribers for christ's sake!

_But that's not the real you, is it? They'd be disgusted if they knew you were-_

God just shut up. The blond slammed his head onto his desk, turning up the volume on his pc to block out his pounding throughts. He wondered if his Mum would wake up because of the noise, but it was doubtful. She never cared what he did, as long as he wasnt dead or getting bad grades.

He stood up, annoyed for no real reason. _Why am I angry?_ A quick walk to the small bathroom and he was there again, staring at his reflection. How many times was the boy there that night alone? He picked at his face and arms, scrunching his face and cringing.

_How fucking fat. If you weren't fat people would like streaming with you. They would love you. Too bad you're not, huh?_

The bags under his eyes seemed to get deeper everyday, first a pale pink that turned to a dark reddish brown. He's never been this bad before, over all. Wilbur and the others had hinted at his changing demeanor, but he shut them down every time.

_It doesn't matter. YOU don't matter. Do you really think you deserve their love? You're so selfish. You're disgusting. Get over yourself._

He smiled. In a sick way he found comfort in the poisonous words, it really made sense. The sticky poison filled his body, gliding through his veins and filling him with warmth before he died. He wasnt dying today though, today was the first day back to in-person class after lockdown.

He hadn't been streaming as much recently, so people didn't fully realize how much his appearance had changed over the few months.

The fat face he saw in the view finder disgusted him. He started to wear hoodies whenever he filmed, which was met with a surprising amount of questions. Why did they deserve to know everything about him? They didn't know him and he didn't know them. Instead, he only laughed, saying it was getting colder in the winter months.

But Wilbur saw through the boy's little show, noticing how Tommy's eyes would go blank a little too often or how his hands would shake when lifting up a coke can. The older had texted him a bunch, asking how his 'little brother' was feeling but to no avail.

Tommy had to admit, responding with lies to his closest friends made him feel guilty, but putting his own dumb problems onto them would be worse. He couldn't be a burden to them, he wouldn't.

He left the bathroom, Mum would be up soon. It was only 6, but he decided to get ready. Pulling on a baggy dark green hoodie and slim black pants, it was a pretty lazy outfit. He jumped back onto his PC to open discord.

**_Tommyinnit:_** Tubbo! We're back to class today :) Do you wanna meet outside of the cafe?

 _ **Tubbo_:**_ hell yeah!

 _ **Tubbo_:**_ btw, wilbur asked me to check up on you today since he's still doing online. is there something going on?

 _ **Tommyinnit:**_ Seriously? Lmao classic Wilbur. Nothings going on, so dont worry about me tubz!

 _ **Tubbo:**_ okay, im glad :) text me if there ever is!

 _ **Tommyinnit:**_ Will do! :thumbs_up:

Tommy walked briskly to school, music blaring from his earphones.

_Well, shit._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy gets to see his friends after break, but they notice something different about him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, the writing wont be great I'm just venting. Comment any suggestions for the story or any notes on the writing if you want :)  
> (For context, no one's gonna be wearing masks and all of them live super close, it's just more convenient to write)  
> !! all platonic !!  
> TW/ eating disorders, self harm

Song: Lonely- Palaye Royale

Tommy walked briskly to school, his long legs taking him far away from the calorie filled plate of breakfast in the kitchen. _He couldn't have it._ It reminded him of all the walks he'd taken late at night, desperate to burn the few calories he'd eaten. Sometimes he would sprint or jog ~~to leave the fat behind him~~ to get a healthy amount of exercise. he remembered how sometimes he couldn't even find his earphones, walking for hours in silence with only himself. God did he hate those. 

He gave into the feeling and jogged the rest of the way to the café, Tubbo would be waiting for him after-all. He slowed down a minute before reaching the destination, making sure not to be breathing too heavily when he saw his best-friend.

_Tubbo can't know. He'd be disgusted. He's dealing with his own shit, don't bother him with yours._

Rounding the corner, he easily spotted the boy at a table sipping water. A wide-grin spread across the blond's face, happy to see his friend hadn't changed. He still wore his hoodies and jeans, no matter the weather. The only that had noticeably changed was his hair. It was shorter but it suited him, a very Tubbo-ish haircut. The two had only been communicating over voice chats or DMs lately, never really using their cameras to Tommy's request. The lockdown sort of took away the possibility of meeting up in real life as-well. They would talk until early hours of the morning, whether just joking and talking about their new videos, or serious conversations. His best-friend was having a hard time, and Tommy was determined to help him.

In contrast to the persona he portrayed on stream, Tommy was actually really competent when it came to talking about others' emotions or situations. _Just not his own_. Tommy could care less if his own sleep schedule was going to shit because of it or if carrying the other's issues along with his own made him breakdown and feel numb. Anything to help. Of course, Tubbo would ask about how how Tommy was, but he never spoke about himself. At some point Tommy figured that Tubbo had given up, which was sort of expected. 

_It's a good thing. Why would you be worth his time? Stop being so selfish._

He shook his head, he was here to meet Tubbo before school. He cupped his hands around his mouth and took a breath, "TUBBOO!"

Several heads shot up at the shout, some giving him annoyed stares or throwing up rude gestures. Despite, Tommy beamed as the short brunette jumped up with a grin and shouted back, "TOMMYY!". 

The younger ran the rest of the way up to Tubbo, relieved to finally see him after so long. As Tommy got closer Tubbo scrunched his eyebrows, visibly confused and slightly concerned.

_He thinks you're disgusting. He can see the fat pooling in your thighs. He can see how it's covering you. He knows that you're-_

Tommy's smile faltered and he tilted his head, "What's wrong Big Man?"

"Tommy... You don't look like yourself. Is this what Wilbur was asking about?" The shorter said bluntly and shook his head in concern, wondering what the fuck had happened to his best-friend. Instead he was met with a quick - _a little too quick_ \- chuckle and ruffle of his hair. 

"You're imagining things Tubbo. I'm just tired from all of this editing. And since when were you and Wilbur talking about me behind my back?" The response was playful, making sure to keep this secret he'd hidden for so long to himself. If they really knew what was going on they'd sent him to a fucking shrink or something. He needed to reach his goal before any of that shit. Despite everything, he couldn't hide the sick swell of pride inside his stomach. _They're worried._ He swallowed it down, trying to calm his quickening heart-beat. Tubbo didn't look convinced, opening his mouth to press further when-

"Tommy! And Tubbo!" Techno waved his hand, smiling at the younger boys. Niki was right behind him, laughing. Probably from a previous joke. Tommy let out a sigh of relief and grinned. He never thought he'd be so grateful for his pink haired friend. 

"TECHNO! AND NIKI!" he went to sprint when Tubbo grabbed his wrist, pulling him back. _Ouch._ "Tommy. You're gonna have to talk to me and Wilbur soon." Tommy chuckled and tore his wrist from the others' grip. "What about? I'm fine." 

_It's not like he cared before. Why now?_

The blond turned on his heels and ran over the Techno and Niki, ready to tell a story about his latest tweet. The two were in the grade above Tommy and Tubbo, so this was some of the only time they could talk outside of discord. Techno watched Tommy run up with his casual smile, but looked back at Tubbo with worry in his eyes. _This isn't Tommy, is it?_

Tubbo's POV

-> After Tommy shouted to him. 

"TOMMYY!" he grinned and stood up, watching his best friend run to meet him. He hesitated as Tommy went up the stairs, the wind gushing into his baggy clothes and revealing his silhouette. God, he was tiny. Tommy had always been always skinny but... This was different. There were deep bags around his eyes, as if he hadn't slept for days. 

"Tommy... You don't look like yourself. Is this what Wilbur was asking about?" He and Wilbur were texting more often these days, and they would always end up talking about Tommy. He was never as active on discord as he used to be, he would be mute on calls, or just flat out not be in contact for days. Wilbur was especially worried about him, he saw himself as a big brother. And what bigger brother would let the younger get hurt? _~~Tommy's real bother would .~~_ Tommy would only ever wear long sleeves or hoodies in streams, ditching his short sleeves. Not to mention he was always on edge during the streams now, like he was waiting for or something.

_Or someone._

He would end the streams abruptly, not bothering to say goodbye in DMs or raid anyone, as if there was something urgent going on. Nonetheless, Tommy would just shrug off their concerns. Tubbo had tried to talk to him privately, but nothing came from it. Instead he started taking to Wilbur, they both just wanted to help him. 

Tommy chuckled at him, "You're imagining things Tubbo. I'm just tired from all of this editing. And since when were you and Wilbur talking about me behind my back?" He smirked. Tubbo wanted to ask more, _How much have you lost? Why do you look so tired? What's going on? Why won't you talk to me?_ But before he could say a word, Techno called out. The blond went to run over, but Tubbo needed to say _something_. How was he going to help him? 

He grabbed onto Tommy's wrist, tugging him back. Tommy scrunched his face in pain for a moment, but looked back at him. "Tommy. You're gonna have to talk to me and Wilbur soon."

Tommy dismissed the concern again, a hint of annoyance in his voice before running over to Techno and Niki. Techno stared back at Tubbo after having a good look at Tommy. With a nod from the brunette, his question was answered. 

_This isn't Tommy._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Or how his lack of sleep would pull his mind out of the class, leaving the pale boy behind to sit on his chair staring at nothing, doing nothing."
> 
> \- more of a filler chapter, describing what's happening and going on with Tommy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything is platonic ! criticism/ notes /or thoughts on what's going on would be cool :)  
> Always open to tips on improving my writing, I don't do it much. 
> 
> TW/ eating disorder

_Song: girl- salvia path_

Tommy hissed his through his teeth, why wouldn't they just mind their business? It's like they thought he was dumb- as if he couldn't see the looks they gave each other as he smiled and laughed. 

_They're probably thinking about how fat you've gotten._

He shook his head. He couldn't stand when he thought like that, he knew he was loved. Right?  
It didn't matter anyway. The boy pushed his bubbling feeling of anger down and nudged Techno, trying to make light conversation and lighten the mood. It was unsuccessful, only receiving awkward laughs and nods in return. A twinge of annoyance hit him again - _why were they just making it worse?_

The teen nodded and put his ear pods back in, not bothering to say his goodbyes as he parted from the group and walked towards his first class, the piercing sound of the bell carrying him off. He drifted to and from his classes, all of them blurring together together to make a smudge of confusion and stress. It wasn't like Tommy was doing bad in school, on the contrary. He'd been passing all of his classes with around an 80% average for nearly his whole life.

That wasn't to say he was a good student either. He would put off studying until the night before tests, forcing himself to recite everything from memory until he felt confident enough in his understanding within a few hours. Or how his lack of sleep would pull his mind out of the class, leaving the pale boy behind to sit on his chair staring at nothing, doing nothing. It was a routine at this point, to wake up, go to school, _don't eat don't eat please don't eat ~~you fucking ate it all~~_ _,_ do hours of his extra school work, _~~exercise until you burn it off,~~_ try to sleep, repeat. But it didn't _matter._ Because Tommy had school work to do, Tommy had food to avoid, Tommy had his own shit. 

___________________________________________________________

And before he knew it, he was sitting at a cafeteria table, people bustling and shouting around him. _Man was it loud._ Tubbo plopped himself down next to him, gaining a flinch from the blonde, "Tommy?" A muffled voice asked, before reaching out and tugging out the others' ear pods. _What._

"Tubbo?" The boy answered with a plastered on grin, mocking the other.

"Tommy. Where's your lunch? You must be hungry, you didn't get anything at the café this morning." 

"Ah yeah, _someone_ was quizzing me on my own life. Didn't really have the time. Besides, I had a big breakfast at home." He felt a lump of guilt roll of his tongue along with his lies, Tubbo was just worried about him. 

"Well. That was hours ago, you really should eat something. It's not healthy to skip meals y'know." Tubbo pursed his lips and took a bite of his sandwich, looking down. 

_Oh wow really? I never would have guessed._

"Not hungry. Do you know where Techno is? I wanted to talk to him about featuring me in one of his videos." He said with a grin, once again desperate to change the subject. 

He was only met with a shake of the head and a smile, "I'm pretty sure he's off doing something with one of his friends. He said that he would meet up with me later today, and I told him you'd be there too." He looked up with a slightly guilty face, but it was pretty obvious this was planned. Tommy scoffed and smiled, nodding.

"Sure Tubbo, I'll meet up with you and Big T after my classes." Tommy pushed himself up and left, noting he had class in a few minutes but wanted to check something beforehand. The hallways were pretty much empty since lunch hadn't ended, so Tommy wouldn't have to worry about the regular hallway's traffic. Tubbo beamed up at him as he left, a light of hope filling his eyes. If it took some of their worry away, he'd do anything. Besides, the only thing that would break him was if Wilbur showed up. Thank god he was online, Tommy always felt the worst when lying to Wilbur. And not to mention that Wilbur could see right through all of his shit, sometimes texting him to end streams early when the younger seemed off or if he hadn't streamed for a bit. It seems he was stuck in his thoughts a bit much, because he walked straight into a large wall of a person. He stumbled back and groaned. _Fuck._

Believe it or not, being a youtuber didn't exactly make Tommy the most popular kid at his school. There were still people who would punch his arms in the halls or call out his old channel, a pathetic attempt at embarrassing him. And who stood before Tommy was the one who kit the hardest. He awkwardly smiled up to him, only to be met with a sadistic grin. 

"Tommy-fucking-innit? What a day." he quickly looked up and down the halls- _no one around-_ before picking Up Tommy by his shirt and shoving him against a locker. He dealt a blow to Tommy's stomach before dropping him down and carrying down the halls as usual. Tommy breathed heavily and picked himself up again. _How cliché._

He walked down the halls, shoving his ear pods back in and drifting. _And drifting._ His eyes drooped, sleep begging for them to close and _get some fucking rest._ But he took a gulp of water, and sat down at his desk. He pulled out his books and slumped, the drone of his teacher acting as white noise while he did his work. 

_____________________________________________________

Between what it seems like a blink of an eye, school has ended, the bell has rang and he is being rushed out by teachers and students alike. It seemed like no one wanted to be there. His legs took him far from the doors, nearly leaving before a loud voice called out to him. It was Techno, waving the younger over to walk along with him and Tubbo instead. Tommy groaned and walked over, he had completely forgotten about their little intervention plans. He breathed slowly, calming himself before beaming at them, "Techno! Tubbo! My two main men! How are we all?!" 

The two grinned at him, happy to see his upbeat personality. 

_How long could he keep this up?_

He walked with them and smiled, knowing that he would have to act his absolute hardest in order to convince them. They looked between themselves and nodded- _Again? Seriously?-_ and stopped walking just off the path. 

"So Tommy..." Tubbo began, fidgeting with his hands and looking directly into the boy's dull blue eyes, "Could you tell us what's been going on?" Techno stood directly behind him, arms crossed and analyzing Tommy. 

With a tilt of his head and a playful grin "What? I already told you this morning. I've been doing a shit ton of editing lately. So what if I look tired?" he shifted his feet and gripped his bags arm straps, _why were they being so serious?_

"Oh shut up Tommy! We all know that's bullshit, you've been acting weird on streams too. Why won't you just talk to us dude?!" Techno stepped forward, swinging his arms and pink hair whisking across his face. 

_Why do they think they deserve to know? This is my shit. My issues. I messed up even letting them show in the first place, why do they keep bringing it up. I can't keep burdening them like this._

"Seriously guys, I've been doing well. I've been streaming and uploading irregularly because I have school! I just have a bit more going on, please just let it go." 

They couldn't really argue with that, no matter how much they wanted to or how little they believed in it. Tubbo nodded, agreeing to let it go for now. Tommy grinned and sighed, saying that he would message them on discord later. 

"Do you actually believe him?"

"Not one bit. But what can we do? he doesn't _want_ help."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It gets worse. Why won't people stop caring?
> 
> The brisk February cold bit on his ears and hands, seeping through his pants and making him shiver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took awhile. I've been super busy and just, not doing very well :) I hope everyone is doing okay  
> Comment suggestions/critiques/feedback if u want :)
> 
> TW/ eating disorders, (pls don't read if you're easily triggered!!)
> 
> Also! if u guys like the songs i recommend i could make a spotify playlist

_Song: Kitchen Fork- Jack Conte_

_Bullshit._

Who were they to know what was going on with him? Did they think that the second they asked he would turn into a bubbling pile of tears and angst? Maybe tell them his life story? Give them a little story to discuss between themselves? Fuck that.

_~~How annoying.~~  
They're your friends Tommy. _

He breathed deeply, knowing he was being irrational. They weren't even doing anything to him directly, so why did he want to yell at them? Why and how had his mood changed so fast? 

_Then yell. It's not like it'll matter in the long run.  
_ _Irrational._

He shook his head and put his headphones in once more, _it’s annoying that I have to take them out so much. I just want them to be quiet._

The brisk February cold bit on his ears and hands, seeping through his pants and making him shiver. He put his hands into his pockets, a desperate attempt to keep them warm. The snow drifted around like feathers, onto his head and farther to the white covered ground. Each step into the crunching snow brought forth an ache in his legs, he’d been exercising with hardly any rest days and _god were his legs tired_. 

He walked faster, ~~to burn more calories~~ , to get out of the cold. He was tempted to walk around more, to stretch himself farther to stay out of the house, but the wind pulled the air out of him and pushed him forward. Home it was. 

Turning down the volume on his ear phones, he slipped into the warmth of the house. Kicking off his boots and tossing his bag, greeting his mom and quickly disappearing into his cramped room. There was some trash littering the desk, but hardly anything else. He had developed a habit of cleaning his room every few days, the clutter and trash would make him stressed and put off work because of how closed in it made him feel. 

_You don't want it to be cluttered like how it was before._

Oh, right. Tommy had been dealing with… ‘depressive’ episodes long before this. _How are they episodes if it’s all the time?_ But it had gotten to the point where he wouldn’t leave his room, trash and dirty clothes would litter the floor. He never went out, blinds were shut and he would stay in bed. It smelled terrible, all he did was scroll through his phone and stare at the ceiling, listening to trashy sad rap. The amount of times he’d attempted to kill himself that summer without anyone even knowing. 

_Maybe if they were successful._

He didn’t talk to anyone, except for friends he had made on twitter. He used an alias, he wasn't stupid. After a while he gained around 1k followers, all he did was vent on there. The anonymous messages that were sent to him, telling to ‘cut deeper’, that he was fat and disgusting. All because he was friends with some people on twitter? The account was long abandoned now, he only used it to communicate in one group chat that hadn’t died, surprisingly. 

He couldn’t allow himself to let it get that bad again, so he would force himself to clean his room. He never really particularly cared if some of his friends knew he had been like that. Hell, he’d talked to them about how bad it was before. Maybe that’s why they were so worried, but he had it under control. As he often said, he was a man. 

Either way, he would probably just do his homework. If he didn’t he would just forget and stress about it the next morning. He got to it, spending nearly three hours on everything before he was satisfied. It was around 5 now, his mom would call him down for dinner soon. He sighed, normally he would be okay but today was just _so fucking much._ He’d feel better without food in him, he would just decline it. 

And that’s just what Tommy did, declining the offer to his favourite food and slipping his headphones on, taking a mental note that he’d have to exercise later. He was so fucking hungry, it clawed at his stomach, angry at him for denying it the nutrients it need to survive. But the food wasn’t worth it, the food wasn’t going to fix it, it’d only make him feel even shittier. 

He clicked through social media, occasionally commenting or liking. He was just about to go downstairs when a bing from discord shook him. It was from Technoblade, asking if he wanted to join a vc and talk about new video ideas or plans for his channel. Tommy declined, he had had enough of the older for the day. _After fucking accusing him all day._ But the messages kept coming, saying that Tubbo, Wilbur, and Philza would be there too. _Double fuck no. Does he think I’m stupid?_

After putting a shirt message into the group chat, he set his status to do not disturb and closed the tab. He picked himself up and trudged down the stairs, on the path to the basement so no one could hear him while he exercised. He was stopped on the stairs, mother innit looking up smiling curtly. 

“I just wanted you to know, you’re going to your dads’ tomorrow, so pack.” 

Tommy’s stomach dropped to the ground, his chest tightened and his breath was cut short. He took a deep breath, his hands shaking slightly and tries to calm himself down. He nodded wordlessly and continued down the stairs. His mom looked at him with… Annoyance? Pity? Tommy couldn’t tell at this point. His phone dinged with annoyed messages from his four friends, telling him to, _‘join the fucking vc, twat.’_ he really was a twat, wasn’t he?

**Tommyinnit** _today at 11:39 pm_

Hey guys, im sorry for not replying or whatever. Please just give it up. Im not fucking worth the wprry, so piss off for now, okay? 

**Tubbo** **** _today at 11:39 pm_

Tommy? You’re worth it all. Please join the vc

**Wilbur** **** _today at 11:40 pm_

^

**Philza** **** _today at 11:41 pm_

^

**Technothepig** **** _today at 11:41 pm_

^

He pulled it open and typed in the quick message, shutting off his phone and curling into himself as he reached the bottom floor, the goal of exercise flying out of the window. Everything had just gotten one hundred times worse, and he _couldn’t fucking deal with it._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy is not handling having to go to his dads very well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// Detailed self harm, panic attack? weight(censored weight) and numbers, self harm please be careful 
> 
> This one is so much longer than the other chapters whoops
> 
> ('Dex' is referring to Tommy's brother)

_Song - It Was a Swift Not a Swallow (I Never Listen)_

Tommy stayed in the basement until he heard his mom walking up to her room, waiting to hear the echoes of floor boards creaking and lights being flicked off. The blonde trudged back up the stairs, grabbing a duffel bag. He threw it on to his bed and turned his phone back on, turning the volume on his earphones to the top. He moved on autopilot, his mind somewhere else. He slid the old closet door open, grabbing the most plain clothes he could find, some blue jeans and light hoodies. His dad would make fun of him for anything else, so he knew what to look for. A lump grew in his throat, the water in his eyes threatening to spill. A dry helpless sob passed his lips, zipping up the bag and throwing it to the ground. 

_Why are you so scared? You’re just being melodramatic._

He groaned and fell to his knees, curling into himself and clutching the fabric surrounding him. His breathing quickened, a vile burning sensation settling in the pit of his stomach and crawling up his throat. It felt like lava bubbling under his skin, his hands far too warm and breath far too shallow. It pricked his skin, flushing his cheeks and rubbing against the fabric of his clothing. The heat continued despite the water pouring steadily falling from his eyes onto his burning skin. He could hear the whirring fan, feel the rough jean fabric scratching his legs, the lava that _was on in him oh god please get it out it's in me i want it out._ Everything was _too much_ and all he could do was grip his head and cry harder, rough and shaking sobs racking through his trembling body. 

He panted, pulling himself up on his desk and stumbling to a drawer. He pulled it open, a loud bang as wood hit wood and he shoved his hand in to find the shiny metal. It was from an old pencil sharpener, having lost his better and sharper ones long ago. He tried to gulp down his panic, hand shaking as he sat himself down at his desk. He held his head in his hands, rubbing his eyes far too hard just to wipe away the salty tears. It was a futile attempt to calm himself down, so he had no other choice. Pushing his sleeve up, pinning the metal to his taunt skin and pressing it down. Once it was deep enough he swiped, a flood of relief coursing through him as the sting radiated off of his forearm. He put it on the same area, deep into the red and doing the same thing. He did it over and over, occasionally switching to a new opening or simply slowly dragging it through the dripping red, deepening the wounds with heavy breath. 

He laughed dryly, snot dripping and eyes blurred. Standing up, he walked to the bathroom and washed his hands, the blood had gotten under his fingernails. He grimaced at the pricks of pain running the water over the cuts brought, but he couldn’t deny the cold swell of comfort and familiarity running through his veins, cooling the burning heat infesting his skin. He swiped toilet paper over them, not bothering with creams before wrapping old white gauze around them. He knew he would regret it tomorrow when it would pull off the scabs and reopen the cuts, but he couldn't bring himself to care. 

Fatigue pulled at his wet eyes, begging for him to sleep. 

_1:50 AM_

He practically glared at the bright red letters, but he figured it would be enough. Flicking the light off and stumbling into this room again, soft covers and firm pillows engulfing him as he fell. A ragged sigh left him as he flipped over, trying to get comfortable and being careful to avoid rubbing his arm against anything too much. 

_But he couldn’t fucking sleep._

His eyes remained open, his mind that was begging to sleep just a second ago now asking him a million questions that he didn’t have the answers to. Anxiety filled his chest again, thoughts of going to his dad’s dominated the rest, gripping his heart and mind. 

_You won't be able to talk to anyone except for them. What’s he going to do? Do you think he’ll be mad? What if Dex isn’t there? What if you’re in the car with him alone? What if he wants you to stay longer? Do you think I could get out of church? What if-_

His questions were interrupted by dings coming from his phone, lighting up the room with each small sound. With a shaking hand he pulled the phone over, seeing bubbles of concerned words and messages.

**Wilbur** _today at 2:06 AM_

Is everything alright? 

It’s not like you to just refuse talking to tubbo man.

Srsly just text me so i know ur okay

Please tommy u dont need to say anything. 

Text me back, child

  
  


He scoffed at the nickname, he honestly hated it. He wasn’t a child, he did shit on his own. Isn’t that what a child was? Someone who needed help for shit and guidance? Tommy didn’t. Swiping up on the messages, he typed quickly. He didn’t really want to respond, but he also didn’t want Wilbur to worry. 

**Tommyinnit** _today at 2:10 AM_

Yeah Yeah im alright. Something came up tho, so i probably wont be able to talk at all this weekend. Srry about our plans to record 

  
  


It wasn’t exactly a lie, something _had_ come up, Wilbur didn’t need to know exactly what it was, now did he? His phone buzzed again nearly seconds later, brows furrowing as he read them. 

  
  


**Wilbur** _today at 2:10 am_

TOMMY

U DICKHEAD I WAS WORRIED 

I DONT CARE ABT THE RECORDING JESUS

Tubbo is worried too

Everyone is tbfh

  
  


Why would they be worried? Couldn’t the man have a moment where he just didn’t want to talk to anyone?   
And so he told Wilbur just that. 

  
  


**Wilbur** _Today at 2:12 am_

Dude u literally said that u werent worth worrying for and then didnt respond for hours. R u dumb?

**Tommyinnit** _today at 2:13 am_

Yeah because u guys were being clingy bitches!! Sorry for making it sound so bad tho, i shouldve worded it differently. 

**Wilbur** _today at 2:13 am_

Tommy  
  


What came up this weekend? Usually u can still text us if ur mom has any work shit y'know

What? Wilbur had said that he didn’t need to tell him anything, so why would he be asking? It’d happened a lot before, but Tommy could just say that he was taking a break or that his wifi cut out for a few days. But he was too tired to come up with a convincing lie and too worn to begin arguing just to avoid telling him. He sighed again and typed it out, anxiety holding him tight. 

  
  


**Tommyinnt** _today at 2:15 am_

Going to dads house big man!! He doesnt like phones n shit so i wont be able to text lol 

  
  


That wasn’t a lie either. The last time he had his phone out in front of his dad it was taken and looked through before being stomped into the ground after Tommy apparently asked for it back one too many times. His mom hardly cared, just giving him a new one a few months later and never bringing it up again. His step mom just let it happen, taking his half siblings into the other room with pursed lips. And his brother _grinned_ at him from behind his dad, malice in his eyes and smugness in his smile. 

All Tommy could do was watch, the glass shattering and flying out from under his father's foot. He was proud of himself for knowing to delete social media apps before going there, he could only imagine the trouble he'd be in if his multiple different accounts were shown on full display. A buzz broke him out of his head, bringing him back to the present. 

**Wilbut** _today at 2;16 am_

your dads ??? didn tknow your parents were divorced man, that sucks

Do you need to talk abt it??

  
  


The teen’s eyebrows furrowed, _as if I haven’t been dealing with this since I was a kid. I’ve accepted it, why is he trying to act like he can help me with problems I don’t have? I’ve accepted that I’m just the product of a fucked marriage, I don’t need everyone to know._

  
  


**Tommyinnit** _today at 2:17 am_

? No. goodnight wilbur. 

**Wilbur** _today at 2:17 am_

Oh okay. Goodnight tommy. Please text me if anything happens. 

  
  


The younger sniffled, rubbing his hand over his eyes. _I didn’t even realize I was crying._ He finally managed to fall into a shaky sleep an hour or so later, his alarms set and ready to make his life a living hell in the morning. 

  
  


➳🖂

  
  


As expected he woke to loud rings pummeling his eyes, red block numbers burning into his eyes. 

_6:03 AM_

He swung his tired legs over his bed, rubbing his eyes and checking his phone. There were a shit ton of notifications from the group chat, but he swiped them away and put on music. He waded to the bathroom, his legs being pulled down by grogginess _~~and fat.~~_ The stark lights burned his eyes, a high contrast to the pitch dark he was in just a minute before. He quickly brushed his teeth before running back to his room, pulling out his scale and gingerly stepping on. 

_\---.-- lbs_

Only -0.6 since yesterday. Fuck. Well, it was better than nothing. Or gaining. He let out a sigh, flopping back into his bead and running his hands through his thin hair. He remembered what he’d done the night before and brought his arm down, staring at the gauze littered with blotches of pink and red. Around it were old white and bumpy scars, some thin or wide, some recent and some years old. He grimaced as he pulled off the white strip, the dried blood sticking it to itself. He was right, it hurt like a bitch to peel it off and have the scabs come with it. He gasped slightly seeing them, he hadn’t realized how far he’d gone. They were the deepest he’d done in awhile, spots of blood still growing in the wide and deep cuts. He hissed and pressed into them, smiling when it stung all the way to his finger tips. He wrapped them back up with fresh gauze, throwing the old one out. 

He got dressed, pulling on a baggy hoodie and loose jeans, high top converse and a thin necklace. He didn’t have the energy for much else, so he flew down the stairs, hoping to get out the door and start walking before his mom was downstairs. But alas, His mom was already sitting at the kitchen desk (Why did she use the kitchen as her office?) nursing fresh coffee with eggs on the stove. He stopped on the last step, air deflating from his chest and hands gripping the railing. Before he could stop himself, words tumbled from him and onto the floor. 

“Why… Why do I have to go?” 

The grip on her cup tightened, knuckles paling as she tensed. Her mouth gaped like a fish, trying to find the right words. The teen had asked the same questions millions of times before, he should have known he wouldn’t get an answer. The dread that was already in his body flared align with new sparks of anger, _she never fucking answers. She doesn't fucking care. She doesn’t fucking understand. Why couldn’t she just answer?_

He nodded and flung to the door, not caring how it slammed behind him or how he could hear shouts from behind the door. The walk was brisk as usual, he had forgotten his coat. He couldn’t exactly go back now, so he’d just have to deal with it. The blond looked at his ground on his walk, earphones in and hands pushed deep into pockets. He didn’t realize soon enough how his friends were at the entrance, not until he looked up to grab the handle and was instead met with the blank stare of Techno. 

His jaw clenched. _What was their problem? Could I just get through today holy shit._ The pink haired bastard raised his eyebrows as the younger shoved past him, flinging open the door just to be met with another wall in his path, green eyes looking up at him with crossed arms. 

Hot air passed through his nose, huffing with a groan. He honestly just wanted to get through today, just the thought of putting his usual act on seemed pointless. But hell, Tubbo looked pissed. Tommy offered an annoyed grin, greeting him with an “‘Ello Tubbo” before pushing past to flee. Honestly, what was their plan? As if they also didn’t have classes? He again ignored shouts from behind for the second time today, trudging up the cement stairs and setting himself back into his routine of drifting through classes. He could avoid the two for the rest of the day, he only shared one class with Techno and god knows the guy is too awkward to try and start talking feelings with an annoyed Tommy. 

  
  


➳🖂

  
  


The day passed quickly, the teen only left to cry in the bathroom once. Fucking Fridays. He managed to successfully avoid the two, even on the path back to his house he didn’t see them. He got home, seeing his mom put on a fake smile and greet him. He said hello back, getting a small snack from the cupboard before grabbing the bag from his room and following his mom out to the car. 

The teen was always allowed to choose the music, so he played the song she knew Mom would like. He busied himself by rearranging his phone, deleted social media apps for the millionth time and changing lockscreens, deleting photos and putting them into secret folders. His heart was already beating faster, tears threatening to spill out and hands shaking with irrational panic. His mom didn't care, only gripping the wheel tighter and staring forward as he let out choked sobs and shook. The blonde managed to calm down a bit by the time they reached the meet up place, it had taken nearly an hour to get there and the drive with his dad to the final destination would be another hour, no one would be able to help him there, even if he wanted it. He wiped his eyes as he saw the gray truck pull up next to them, pulling himself out of the car and breathing in deeply. He raised his chin and smiled, turning around to see his father walk around from the drivers side along with his brother. 

“Hey Dad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hihi im really sorry this took so long for me to update, ive been going through some things and also have a bunch of school work :[ ill try to update when I can 
> 
> Also!! Please tell me if this is getting repetitive or it feels like the exposition is getting too long!! or any complaints !!:)
> 
> Everyone pray for next chapter Tommy


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy goes to his dad's house // first night at dad's for the weekend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sorta hate this chapter but !! The next one will be better 
> 
> TW// homophobia, reference to abuse, reference to past sexual abuse, self-harm, calories, religious trauma

“Hey, dad.”

The older grinned a sick smile, raising his arms once Tommy got closer. The blonde grimaced as he was engulfed in a hug, feeling the scratchy scruff of an unshaved chin rub against his cheek and rough arms pull him closer. Even compared to Tommy, his dad was a tall guy. The teen’s head only reached about the chest of his father, and even with that, his dad was larger in other ways. The larger had a strong build, able to lift his weight and more easily, large arms and a puffed chest. It didn’t help that the man was always in proper work clothes, dirty flannel shirts, and old Carhartt work pants paired with worn steel toe black boots that went up to the middle of his calves. 

Tommy quite honestly hated being hugged by his dad, the branch-like arms that would grip him too roughly as if in a warning, not being let go even when asked. The younger used to try and avoid the hugs, ducking under the stretching arms, squeezing out from under him, or only giving half-hearted side hugs. But at some point he realized it was easier to just let it happen, despite the shocks of panic it sent through him, it was worth not being called a ‘ _selfish-arrogant-useless-bitch’_ along with the threats of _‘getting hurt the next time he did that’_ the entire hour he would be stuck in the car. 

So he let it happen. He let his dad do a lot of things, honestly. 

Finally breaking away from the harsh grip, before he could even awkwardly shuffle back to the back of his mum he was met with a slimy hand coming up on his shoulder. He spun around to see his eyes reflecting, a mess of bright blue along with tinges of green. Ignoring Tommy’s hardly covered distress, the taller smirked, bringing his hand up and ruffling Tommy’s hair. “Tommy. How’ve you been?”

“Dex. I’m fine, how’re you?” The automated words fell from his lips, he didn’t even think about what he was saying. He’d been saying the same response for years now, surely they'd have gotten tired of asking him. But the taller brunette just chuckled, a light pudge under his chin showing through as he turned away and gave a hug to their mum. 

_Again_ he was grabbed by his shoulder and spun, facing his dad. His fingers dug into his arms, as the man gazed over his son like a scan, looking him up and down before deciding on the perfect words to say, “You need a haircut. You’re gonna start looking like a girl.”

So Tommy, being the totally brave big man he is, nodded quietly and hummed in agreement. He threw his bed into the passenger seat before leaning against his mom’s car, the four of them all standing in awkward silence in the cold air, waiting to see who’d be the brave contender to say something and leave. Of course, it was his dad, throwing out a time for Tom to be picked up on Sunday. 

_2 pm._

Nods were thrown around and doors were slammed, gangly legs were thrown into the cramped space in the back seat. All was quiet for a moment, the engine revving and huffs of relief to have the warmth of the heater again. But it was broken, the slap of skin against the steering wheel and all heads turning to face Tommy. 

“So, tell me something, Tom!” His dad asked, peeling out of the mall parking lot. 

He never knew what to say to the question, was there something everyone had to say? So he just shrugged, a small ‘dunno’ was mumbled before he just talked about his classes, saying that he had a few projects due the next week. Desperate to get the attention off of himself he turned to his brother, “How’s school Dex? Bet the country girls are loving having someone new, huh?” His brother grinned as he shook his head, ready to jump into a story. 

The brunette had moved in with their dad a year or so ago, but it was an ongoing joke that he was new to the middle of nowhere school.

“Nah Nah. Don’t worry about that. There is some stuff going on in my class though.” 

“Oh? Is a big man in trouble?” The blonde feigned shock, a smile plastered to his chapped lips.

“Ha! No way. But, in civics class, there’s some weird people man. Me and my friends laugh at him a lot, he’s gay or some shit and he’s just so fucking _weird.”_ The blonde’s heart stopped, _or did it beat faster?_ And he heard his dad sigh, turning around and starting to speak in agreement, saying how they just needed to pray for them to get better, to get over some sort of _trauma_ that they had to have gone through to end up like ‘that’. 

Tommy nearly scoffed at what they were saying, how casually they were saying it. He should’ve been used to it at this point, it had always been like this. They’d say something about how the gays were going to hell, how they were sick, sick sinners that would never reach heaven, that they should all _pray_ for them because they didn’t fucking understand. 

He wondered what his dad would do if he knew his son was gay if he knew how much his words felt like knives ragging through his son’s stomach. How would he feel if he knew his son couldn’t sleep at night. After all, he was up thinking about he would end up in fucking _hell_ because he didn’t like women. How his son hated his own skin so fucking much because he was _disgusting by default_ because he couldn’t _choose_ this, how he hated it so much that he would carve into them until they ran crimson down and onto the ground. 

Didn’t matter though, did it? No, Tommy deserved it. He had o, because if his dad wasn’t right, then he would have brought forth all of that pain for nothing, _and that couldn’t fucking happen._ So Tommy nodded, checking his mind out as they spoke with hate-filled words that stuffed themselves into the blonde’s skin, seeping in through the still-open wounds on his arm. 

He looked at the window, the sun was already beginning to set, turning the light blue to a dark orange that was fading into dark blue. He was nearing sleep when the sound of wooden beads woke him up. He knew what it was before he saw it, the beads that were in the form of a necklace being picked up and clutched. 

_Hail Mary-_

He remembered when this was a fun thing to do, how in third grade he visited after a presentation at school with a rosary, asking his dad if he wanted to try it out because he wanted his dad to _care_.

_Full of grace-_

He remembered when he slowly became aware of how he didn’t believe in the God he prayed to, the sick feeling that settled in his stomach when someone even brought it up. 

_The lord is with thee-_ _  
  
_

He remembered holding back choked sobs as he repeated the words, desperately holding back blurry tears with clasped hands gripping the cheap white beads, bruises on his knees against the hard wooden floor.

_Blessed art thou among women-_

He remembered his dad motioning him for an apology with the subjects of each prayer, that he should pray for his family, that he should stop _wanting_ to be miserable. 

_And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus._

  
  


➳🖂

He fell asleep after repeating it the full fifty times, finally trying to rest. He woke up not long after, his brother unbuckling his seatbelt for him before opening the door he was sleeping, leaving him to tumble out of the truck onto the icy gravel, landing on his side. The youngest groaned, laughter filling his ears. Wobbling to his knees and laughing along weakly he grabbed his bag and walked into the barn house. It was sure to leave a bruise, but it probably wouldn’t be too bad. 

Oh yeah, Tommy’s dad was a farmer. People never really believed him when he told them, so he just said that he lived in the country. But it was the whole shi-bang, acres of land filled with crops, fields for cows and pigs, chicken houses right near his house. 

So he flung through the old door into the first and biggest level of the house, mainly used for building shit seeing as the ground was cold pavement and the walls were filled with shelves of tools and old forgotten projects. It always looked like a hurricane had hit the house. Small religious items littered the walls, pinned up cards of prayers and old cheap paintings. There were baby toys thrown in disarray, sheets of scribbles scattered, and old tricycles flipped over. The teen could already hear small sheiks and giggles from the floor above, his younger half-siblings. 

They weren’t too bad, he only had to ignore how annoyance and disgust festered in him whenever they cried and screamed, or spit things out right in front of him and threw up. The blonde shuffled up the creaky wooden stairs, small footsteps quickly making their way to him. As predicted, the moment he swung his foot over the baby gate there was one thatched onto his leg, high pitch laughter filling the room as a second came right after. He bent down to pick them up, saying his hellos and laughing along with them. 

He chose to ignore the old food laying on tables, to ignore the flies that were _everywhere_ in the house, becoming so used to them that he didn’t mind when four or five would just rest on him. He shook his head, treading through the dim hallway (surely that was a fire hazard, having everything in the house be made of wood?) and into the kitchen. 

His stepmom swung around, giving him a soft smile before hugging him. She was gentle, her fingers didn’t leave the marks as his fathers did and her words never felt too icy. Maybe she was scared of becoming one of those wicked step-mothers that you see on TV. 

Sure, she didn’t ever really stand up for him when he was being yelled at, didn’t tell her husband to stop being so harsh to his children, but Tommy couldn’t blame her. This probably wasn’t how she wanted her life to be, behind married to a farmer in the middle of nowhere, quitting her job to work with him on his business while his oldest son moves in with her family. 

Dinner was already ready, Tommy didn’t have the chance to ask his constant ‘do you want me to do anything?’ question. 

Oh fuck, _dinner’s ready._

He swallowed the fear growing in his throat, glancing over to the stove. Of-fucking-course, it was the weird fish shit. Catholics weren’t supposed to eat meat on Fridays, so they always had to have fish and a piece of bread with some disgusting melted cheese on top. Tommy had always found them disgusting but was still forced to eat them every time. It was around 200-300 calories, he could afford to eat it, but it made him sick to his stomach. 

He crossed through the dining area and into the living room, going up the creaky spiral staircase into the attic. It was where he and his brother shared a room, so he plopped down the duffel bag and lied down. He wouldn’t be falling asleep, family meals were mandatory here. Counting down from three, he finally flung himself up and back downstairs, hearing everyone else come into the kitchen. Sitting down in his usual spot he fidgeted, hands clasped for prayer. 

He took 4 big gulps of water, he wouldn't be the first one to start eating, that’d be embarrassing. The teen picked at his food, picking it off into separate, smaller pieces before taking bites of the grease-covered nutrients. They felt slimy in his mouth, chewing it as fast as possible before drinking, chewing, drinking, chewing. 

“So Tom, what do you think of it?” 

He had been ignoring the conversation going on above him, he had no clue what they were talking about, “Pardon?” 

A flash of annoyance flashed across his father’s face and Tommy prepared himself for the worst, but his brother jumped in, food still in his mouth, “Asking’ about weird kids at yer’ school.”

The blonde nodded, silently grateful. “Uhh… I don’t really have much? If there are, I don’t mind them I guess.”

“Really? So there’s no -non-binaries weirdos or anything, right?”

_Again? Are you fucking joking?_

“Uhh, I don’t know. It’s none of my business if they are, y’know? They can do what they want-”

“Some girl at my school is ‘binary’ or whatever, me and my friends have a laugh.” His brother suddenly interjected, spewing food onto the already dirty table. The blonde’s jaw clenched, he couldn't even say anything to defend them without risking getting yelled at or worse. His dad bellowed with laughter, chatting about how ‘normal’ people weren’t like that. _Stupid fucks didn’t even know the right word._

His chair scraped against the wood and he rinsed his plate, setting it into the dishwasher and beginning to clean everything else up as well. He did this a lot, suddenly beginning to clean whenever he was there. To be fair, I was always messy and littered with trash, how could he not? He scraped food off of plates and rinsed them, cleaned up the leftover calorie-filled objects, and threw them in the fridge. He picked up the strewn objects and put them into their proper places before declaring that he’d be retiring to his bed for the day.

His dad pulled him into a hurtful hug saying that he was _proud. That he was loved._ How much longer would he pretend to love his son before Tommy did _something_ wrong and suddenly he would be the greatest fuck-up in the history of fuck-ups? 

He pulled his pajamas on from under his other clothes, avoiding the gaze that his brother had carefully trained on the younger. He flicked off the light and stared at the ceiling, suddenly darkness engulfing him. The moment his eyes adjusted, he saw gleaming teeth and shining eyes staring right back down at him. A hand was put to cover his mouth and his brother put a finger to his lips, a smirk peeling them wide. 

The younger could hardly stop the sudden tremble in his hands or the rush of blood to his heart. Flashes of it came back, his head being held down on _it_ and being pinned down on his bed, being pushed to the sheets and held down, mouth covered and tears streaming, every time it started with just that, a hand covering his mouth and a finger on his lips. 

The teen couldn’t control the silent tears that fell down the sides of his face, his breath shuddering through his body because _thank fucking god his brother only did that to scare him._

Needless to say, Tommy couldn’t find the courage to fall asleep that night. 

➳🖂

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things will only get worse from here btw.
> 
> I wanna say that I have nothing against the LGBTQ community!! I'm in it myself I'm just writing the type of shit I go through coss uhh it's a vent if u haven't noticed. 
> 
> I also have nothing against the Christian/catholic church or anything this is just my personal experience with it. 
> 
> As always comment on any mistake you see or if you see an issue with anything!! I take criticism well dw


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy is not having a good Saturday // not pog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW// literal abuse, violence, described violence, mentions of past sa, passing out

_song : Jk - Crywank_

Tommy’s eyes were begging him to sleep, to drift away for even a moment. But fear held him cold, taping his eyes open because feeling tired is a million times better than having to deal with the threat in the bed just across from him.

Relief coursed through him when the light shined through the small window, the sun had finally come up after years of waiting. The feeling was quickly shattered when a shriek pierced through the air, he wasn’t the only one to realize it was the morning. The stairs creaked and two yelling kids ran over, giggling as they flung onto the teens. A smile tugged on his lips as the younger hugged him tightly, trying to grasp his attention. He turned over and hugged his sister back, mumbling a good morning and sitting up. His younger brother had taken to the eldest, trying to reach up onto the bed. 

He didn’t bother getting dressed for the day yet, practically running down the stairs with the younger girl in his arms. He hardly worried about his dad being down there, it was around 7 am so he’d be out doing chores. His older brother would be going out and joining their father soon, he had the task of bringing water and food to all of the animals. It was a pleasant surprise to find that his step-mom was the only one on the lower floor, her back to him as she was at the stove. His sister tumbled out from his arms and went to play, occasionally running back and showing him what she’d done. 

The morning passed quickly, there was a lot less to do because of the snow. He helped his step-mom with her work and looked after his younger siblings, sometimes he'd be able to break away and read some pages of a book he’d brought along. Of course, the meal times weren’t good, having to deny the eggs that they just  _ loved  _ to mix in with milk and butter. He opted for yogurt and a plain slice of toast, it was better than the first or a full bowl of cereal or leftover dinner. 

It was before dinner that it started going downhill. The day had gone surprisingly well so far, but of course, something had to go wrong. 

It was pretty stupid honestly, the reason as to why. It was just a phone call, a task given to him to tell his dad that dinner was ready, to hurry home, “Hello it’s Tom. Uh, lunch is ready? So come home.” Simple as that, right?

So it’s exactly what he said. He honestly didn’t mean to sound rude. 

“What?” 

“Uhh, lunch is ready?”

“Yes, I know- Don’t talk to me in that tone. I’m coming home soon.” 

_ I’ve fucked it.  _

His stepmom spoke up from the other side of the room, holding his younger sister, “Did you just say it in that tone?”

He laughed shakily, running a hand through dry hair. Tommy still had time until his dad came home, but he knew there was nothing to be done. He couldn’t just call him back, he’d just make it worse. He remembered the last time he saw someone speak out of tone, it was Dex. The brunette was tired that day, accidentally said ‘what’. The two had gone downstairs, Tommy and his stepmom stayed upstairs. Yelling echoed through the walls, shouts of begging and anger, when Tommy had gone down to check his brother had his face pressed into the cold pavement, his father above him and taunting.  _ “Crying like a girl?” _

There wasn’t anything he could do to even help, as if he could fight back against the absolute force that was his father. So he spun on his heels and went back up the stairs, hands too slow to cover his ears before he heard the strong sound of skin hitting skin, of gargles of pain, of choked sobs. 

That night was particularly bad for Tommy, a sock shoved in his mouth and red eyes, new bruises scattered across his pale skin. The blonde could hardly blame his brother, if anything he just felt guilty for not helping earlier. 

Tommy paced the room, ultimately decoding to sit down at the farthest chair from the door. He drummed his fingers on his thigh, every so often having to interact with his younger siblings. The sun had just begun to set, a sick yellow shining through onto the room, glazing it in honey. It was then that the creak of the door opening sent electric waves through him. He sat up straight and crossed his arms, he knew what was coming. 

Heavy steps got closer and closer until the man was standing in the doorway, fire clear in his eyes, “Thomas.” His voice was even, the tone both meeting his eyes. 

“Yeah?” He spoke quietly, careful to emotion out of his voice. 

He took cautionary steps towards his son, confidence growing even larger as the younger pressed into the chair, “What the FUCK were you thinking, speaking to me like that?” His voice was rising, rage twisting its way in. 

“W-what do you mean?” The younger voiced, trembling. 

“You KNOW what I mean Thomas. I’ve TOLD YOU not to speak to be in that tone.” He yelled, slammed a hand down onto the wood table Tommy was sat at. Tommy could only nod, keeping his gaze as far away as possible from the fire in front of him. Bad idea. 

His hair was gripped and pulled up, he would’ve felt small strands come out if it weren’t for the stinging pain coming from his left cheek. He laughed dryly, he wasn’t expecting it to be so soon. 

“Think about how bad of an example you are for your fucking sister.” The teen’s face was slammed down onto the table, bouncing back up with a noise of distress. He could faintly hear his step-mom and siblings scurry away from the room, rushing downstairs.  _ Of course. Thanks for looking out for me guys.  _

Fists gripped his shirt and he was lifted, now face to face with his father. Tears pricked the teen’s eyes, blood was quickly trickling from his nose. His father scoffed, disgust apparent on his face. 

Tommy felt the anger bubbling up inside of him, trying desperately to fight the fear deep in his heart. He spits weakly, a small tear leaked from his eye, “I hate you.”

He couldn’t tell if it was shock or indignation that crossed his father’s face, but it didn't matter. All of the confidence he had built up to utter the words had been spent, leaving the teen in a weak and tired body, only adrenaline and terror keeping him there. 

His body was quickly brought down to the floor, his chest hitting the ground first. The air was knocked out from him, leaving him to desperately gasp. He was kicked in his already bruised side before a heel was slammed into his stomach. Before he could recover there were hands around his neck and knees pinning his body down. He crawled at the hands gripping his throat, gasping for air. 

Terror flashed through him, Dex had always been one to pin him like this. He sobbed tears streamed down the sides of his reddening face. 

His father grinned, gritting his jaw, “Say that again.”

Tommy wept, choking out a quiet “I. Hate you.”

His head was brought up and slammed back down, making his vision flash and spots pop in front of him. 

“Say it again.”

His vision was darkening, he could only claw at the hands around him. He could feel the grip tighten, knees pressed farther into him. He could only shake his head, dry sobs racking through him. 

His throat was released with another kick to his side, leaving him to cough and choke on the floor. 

“Next time you speak to me like that, you’re dead.” 

The teen nodded, he knew his dad was being serious. 

“Go to bed. We don’t want your company tonight.” 

Again the teen nodded, gingerly picking himself up and wobbling up the stairs to his bed. He put a hand to his mouth, shaking with sobs and sniffles. He closed his eyes, finally letting go into the welcoming hands of unconsciousness. 

  
  


➳🖂

He awoke with a groan, the sight of yellow light shining through the window, and the suffocating hugs weren’t as welcoming as they were the day before. He offered a pained smile to the younger before making his way downstairs, walking into the bathroom with his head down. His head was pounding, his vision was spotty but he didn’t want to risk stopping in the middle of the hall. 

The teen looked in the mirror with a grimace. They leaned forward and checked his face, it was a mess. His nose was swollen, his cheek already had a light bruise. There were lines along his neck and he could already feel the bump on the back of his head. He poked it gingerly with a hiss of pain. He lifted his shirt, twisting. The bruise on his side reached across the majority of his stomach, purple-black, and blue with splotches of yellow painting his skin. He winced looking at it, there were other splotches on his back and chest, at least no one could see it. 

He flung his shirt down as his stepmom walked in, frowning in pity. She held up the concealer and smiled, it didn't reach her eyes. Tommy nodded, looking down and sitting on the counter as she patted it gently onto his face. She tilted his face with soft hands and put some on to his neck, patting his shoulder once she’d finished. 

The blonde walked out and into the kitchen, opting out of breakfast. He found a collared shirt and put on his church clothes, wincing as it passed over his arms. For once His brother looked away from the younger's body, instead of fidgeting with a shirt as the younger glared at him. 

Tommy walked down the stairs, picking up his younger sister with a smile. He took her to the office and sat her down, putting on a quiet show, and started to braid her hair. Once it was completed they rushed to the mirror, she grinned and giggled at the comment, “You’re so pretty!”

They walked out and were met with their father, the teen offering a weak smile, “Good morning Dad.” The older smiled and pulled him in for a tight hug, gripping his shoulders too roughly. 

They all packed into the van like sardines for the thirty-minute car ride to church, silence except for the two adults peaking at the front.

It was cold as they stepped out, the breeze pushing them all into the small stone building. It was some small country church, everyone knew each other and all of the kids went to the same school. He wondered what they thought about him, some kid showing up every few weeks that didn’t say anything.

After the whale process was over, they always had to stay while his parents spoke to the others. He would stick close to his step-mom, all she did was talk about her kids with other moms. Better than listening to his dad talk about farming with some other dickhead dads. 

He was zoning out, just leaning on a pew when his head started to hurt even worse. It overpowered his senses, it felt like static was seeping into his ears and clouding his vision.

_ I’m about to pass the fuck out.  _

He back swung back over the side of the pew, his vision went black. 

  
  


➳ 🖂

He opened his eyes to an upside-down Jesus, spots still filling his eyes. He swung his body back up, an ache at the bottom of his spine. He hung his head, ripping onto his thighs. 

_ Where am I? _

He swallowed thickly and blinked quickly, panicking because  _ he didn’t know where the fuck he was.  _

It eventually clicked, he was at church and he had just passed out apparently. The older women were still chatting, oblivious to how the blonde’s mind felt like it was splitting in two. He sat down heavily, gripping his head. The room felt like it was spinning and the painful static was still clouding his hearing. 

He stumbled to his feet when they began to leave, walking a bit behind the rest to not jumble himself further. He sighed, grateful to sit on a cushion of some sort in the car. 

The rest of his time went quickly, mostly spent reading or talking with his siblings. He couldn’t even really be bothered to feel hurt when they began to pray the rosary on the ride to meet his mom, he should be used to it by now anyway. The exchange was quick, just the usual tight hugs and goodbyes. He slumped into the back of the car, putting earphones in and drifting off to sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i honestly hate sunsets because of my dad lol
> 
> I'm sorry the ending feels so rushed!! i feel like it really sucks :( as always correct any mistakes in the comments and give criticism!! id honestly appreciate it a lot


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